Ok, so my goal was to blog regularly, keep it updated and such, well, I’ve been doing a pretty terrible job of that so far…ha…ha..ha…
I haven’t posted in a while because to be 100% honest, a lot of changes are happening in my life right now, Positive ones thank god! And I’ve just kinda been all over the place, I have been living my life while being in recovery and not recovering while trying to live my life, which your probably like “is there even a difference?” but there is! Im not just running my life revolved around recovery/treatment anymore, I’m living my life adjusted to recovery, nourishing my body while living life! Im not resentful of being in recovery because I feel I’m at the point where my life (not revolved around treatment) is coming back, and I’m kicking ass!
A little update on what I’ve been doing, I have started school again, went on a trip to NYC with my cousin, reduced my amount of sessions (I didn’t reduce them alone my treatment team and I agreed it was time too), cut my hair short, and got a new puppy!
So many changes have been happening and I felt all over the place at first, but now I feel proud of all these positive steps in my life! The most shocking one of them to me was actually returning to school. I never ever thought I would return to school, when I had to leave my dream school, I was convinced my life was over, I wasn’t going to succeed, In other terms… I thought I fucked it up. And I had this feeling up until probably a month ago, I didn’t think I could ever be successful again.
Well let just say that is BULLSHIT! No matter what, you can always achieve your dreams, no matter what age, its possible. My eating disorder had convinced me I had strayed too far off of my life path, because I had a set plan, graduate high school at 17, complete my B.F.A. in four years, then graduate university at 21, and that hasn’t happened. I turn 21 this year and I just now returned to University, and I’m so happy to say, Im ok with that. It used to be so hard to wrap my head around the idea of not being on my self made plan, but now Im honestly at rest about it. It does still sting a little when I see those pictures of old friends almost done with there degrees, but Ive accepted the fact that my path is different than theirs and not one path is better than the other, they are just simply different!
Im so peaceful when thinking about my path so far, I first went to school to study Fashion, then switched my major to Graphic design, then to Photography, and now I have landed on my passion, on what I really want to do, Illustration. Thinking back, I’ve had time to discover my true desire, although the journey to discover it was really difficult and involved me almost dying, it brought me here, and I wouldn’t change it. That being said, I would NEVER EVER want anyone to have to experience an eating disorder, I would have not even wanted to experience one myself, but I have, and I just have to accept that now. I can’t change the past, I can’t go back and “fix” myself, so I look back and I don’t regret any of what I went through, I’m letting go of the “what if’s” and the “I wish” and turning them into “wow, I’m one fucking strong women, who is still capable of achieving her dreams”.
I have come to terms with my recovery process, and realized my future isn’t over just because of my Eating Disorder. IT DOES GET BETTER!! (I remember hearing this from so many girls when I was first in treatment, and I couldn’t help but laugh in my head and think about how they don’t know my situation, mine won’t get better. But the truth is it does, and even if you don’t believe it now, keep pushing in your recovery because eventually you will land in this positive place and realize you can do ANYTHING!!
Remember: You are one fucking strong amazing human being, who despite your past, is capable of a beautiful future!
PS. My N.Y.C. Trip Blog post will be up soon! 🙂