When I get stressed out my negative body image increases dramatically. Earlier this week I stressed about a comment I heard, and ever since I heard that comment my negative body image has been horrible.
I went to see my nutritionist and she weighed me (blind weigh in as always) like she does every week. Only when I stood on the scale that time, it felt like everything changed. It was like I felt my gravity shift, and suddenly I was a heavy lead weight. I tried to ignore it and went on and sat through my nutrition session, but throughout the session my eating disorder made me extremely body aware of my arms and legs. It was like I could feel only those parts of me and they felt a lot larger than the rest of me, they felt like they were growing larger every minute, I felt my flesh rub against each other when I moved and was hyper aware of all the lies the eating disorder was telling me.
Eventually I brought it up in my session, tears filling my eyes as I described my body’s feelings. I talked it through with my nutritionist, but it was up to me not to act on any urges that my eating disorder was telling me would “fix” the problem. And I didn’t act on any urges the rest of the day, I felt horrible and it was very hard, but sitting through those moments makes me stronger.
It didn’t feel any better that whole day, I was down about everything, and disobeying my eating disorder made its voice loud and it says some pretty nasty shit. But Today, I feel great, I feel ok in my body, Im relaxed, content, no longer on edge, and I didn’t need to restrict to feel better!
Eating Disorders are manipulative and will try their best to make you act on urges, but if you don’t act on the urges, everything will be ok and it will go aways. Its super hard in the moment, I know, but don’t give in, even though it feels like it will never end, it will!
Call a friend or family member, take a shower or a bath, read, draw, distract yourself with things that comfort you and make you happy. Do things that take your mind away from the eating disorder.
Its hard I know, but it will pass. So stay strong because recovery is worth it.