Standing in front of you mirror, I look at myself, most times I’m able to pass by you without giving into your taunting reflection, but in this moment I can not, you have lured me in, dragged me towards you.
Now I’m here, gazing at the reflection of my form and then it starts, the thoughts, the actions, the shame, the Eating Disorder.
All at once I’m drowning in it, I’m poking, prodding, grabbing, crying, its loud now, the Eating Disorder voice has taken over, and it started with you Mirror. You feed the Eating Disorder, you help it convince me of its lies.
All of the sudden I’m thinking.
“How could I have done this and eaten that?”
“Im out of control.”
“Im a mess.”
The Eating disorder is shooting my brain with these negative thoughts, one after the other constantly firing them, and I start to believe it. I suddenly think If seeing is believing, then you mirror portray the distorded figure the Eating Disorder tells me I am.
“You can’t see the truth.”
I have heard these used in countless sentences, numerous time, over and over.
I have eyes, I see the mirror, I’m grabbing whats “too much”, and even though Im told its all in my head, when I’m in this state of mind, I just don’t believe it.
Eventually, I gain control of my thoughts again, I redirect the negative thoughts back into positive ones, and I move on. Because even though I’m frustrated and tired, I’m NOT defeated, nor shall I be.
Negative body image is the first to come, last to leave, and even though its a process I know it WILL leave.
So Im sticking to my recovery because peace with my reflection, my body, and my mind are worth it.