The other day I experienced a feeling I never thought I would feel, I missed my Eating Disorder. Its ironic, missing the illness that had almost taken my life, but I do. I was thinking of ways I had been challenging myself recently and I realized I have been eating food this past week that I never though I would be able to eat again, and my Eating Disorder hadn’t been that loud about it.
Whenever I pictured this moment of eating food without fear, I imagined I would be thrilled, full of joy, so relieved that I was finally getting rid of my Eating Disorder, but that wasn’t the case. I panicked when I realized my Eating Disorder voice had been quiet, I scrambled and tried to think of ways to get it back, to hear it again.
Instead of getting rid of my annoying Eating Disorder, I felt like I was loosing it, like a close friend going away. I kept thinking how could I possibly let this happen, without my Eating Disorder I won’t be special, I will just be another person. I will be nothing without it, it has been my identity for so long that without it I am no one.
Reflecting on this now I realize I’m still discovering my true self, still finding what brings me joy. It feels like I’m climbing a mountain to discover who I am, to live my life, only now I feel like I’ve let go of my safety net, my Eating Disorder, and that terrifies me. What if I get knocked down the mountain? I won’t have my Eating Disorder to rely on, to pick me up when I fall down. Its a terrifying feeling in these moments when you realize you are the one who is going to have to pick yourself back up and get back to climbing the mountain without the safety net you’ve relied on for so long, but it must be done.
So I’m grieving the loss of my safety net, but I’m not stopping my mountain climb because with each step, I’m gaining more of the person I’m meant to be, me.