These past couple of weeks I have really been pushing myself, taking control of my recovery, and doing . . . good. Its hard for me to say this because my eating disorder (E.D.) makes me feel bad for doing good. It gets, loud, really aggressive, and makes me feel horrible, sometimes to the point where I am convinced by it and I get mad. Mad at myself for being in recovery, for betraying the E.D., moments where I can’t believe i’ve let go of all my food rules, strict thoughts, my complete obsession with calories, the feeling of “total control”.
In these moments I take a breath and use a skill recovery has taught me to fight back against the E.D.. I remind myself of all the wonderful things recovery is giving me. Because of recovery I have the energy to play with my dogs, and to hug others. I can laugh, smile, and be silly just like I used to be. I can look into my boyfriends eyes and know he loves me for me.
Without recovery I would still be consumed by the E.D.. I wouldn’t have the energy to do things, to laugh and smile with family and friends, and I definitely would have NEVER EVER believed I was good enough or deserving of love, especially from someone as lovely and wonderful as my boyfriend. Because of recovery I am experiencing moments of happiness, joy, love, and trust, moments when I feel E.D. free. The thought that those moments don’t have to just be moments they can be my life, is what keeps me going, and continuing to fight the E.D..
So as hard as it may be to do each and everyday, I am recovering, because I look forward with so much joy to the day I can say :
“I am Recovered”.