When I was a little girl I would occasionally wake up startled by a sudden nightmare. Those dreams were simple nightmares about ghosts and the dark, even the bad guys in the Scooby Doo cartoons sometimes made an appearance. I remember I would wake up from them and be so thankful they were just bad dreams, then I would snuggle myself up and fall back to sleep.
I still get nightmares, only now they are controlled by an eating disorder. I will sometimes wake up panicked and full of anxiety because in a dream I ate a challenging food and my mind became flooded with panic and began conjuring up ways to restrict/compensate for it. When all this anxiety wakes me up, it takes me a moment to realize it was all just a dream.
Recovery is NOT easy and its a challenge I battle 24/7, the eating disorder has even buried its way deep into my subconscious and manages to attack me even in my sleep. It is hard to challenge an eating disorder awake in real life and simply impossible when you are having a bad dream. But you best believe that as hard as it is to challenge, Im going to challenge it when I wake up, because challenging it is the only way to stop fearing it, to gain back freedom and your dreams.
I fight for recovery everyday, to get my life, my dreams, and the authentic me back. So today I am going to eat a pack of Reese’s peanut butter cups (or in other words cups of chocolatey peanut goodness) with a glass of milk for a snack (WITH NO RESTRICTIONS AT ALL) because the only place that yummy chocolate belongs is in my stomach, not my bad dreams.